Tuesday, May 6, 2008

mummy's here

One of the things that came up during my visit to the kinesiologist last week was my relationship with my youngest child, Freya. It came up a lot, actually. Maybe because on any given day it feels like it's taken over my life. I love her deeply, innately, but there are times when I despair of her behaviour, her aggression, even her anger, which seems so out of place in such a tiny soul. I go through blaming myself for not being emotionally available or for just being a bad mother, because that's always such an easy guilt trip to take. But Marlene came up with a different theory, one that rang painfully true. I was taking anti-depressants during my pregnancy with Freya, up until just before she was born. She suffered severe reflux as a baby, and I suffered what was almost certainly post-natal depression for a second time but was too busy trying to think positively to see it. So my darling child was taken from my womb and from the drug that I'd been providing her and into the arms of a mother who could not fully bond with her and clearly could not cope with her precarious temperament. Any wonder separation from me is so frightening for her even now. If someone had told me that even a month ago, I may well have curled up into a ball and never got back up. But being newly empowered by my energy balancing, I felt it was a gift. I looked on our mother/child relationship with different eyes, and because I felt stronger, she related to me quite differently. It was like we were both tuned to the same frequency for the same time. Channels open.
I've been thinking, and telling anyone who'll listen, for about a year that it seems like Freya is hypersensitive to everything, to sound, to emotions, everything's amplified by about 100. And today I found out I was right. We had a meeting with a child psychiatrist, who diagnosed Freya with regulation disorder. Basically it means everything I just described. Sensory overload, and no way of dealing with it. The daughter of said psychologist has the same thing, so tell me that's not the universe handing me a great big merit certificate for being on the right track.
So it's day one of dealing with this newfound 'problem', but knowing what it is and that there's ways to approach it makes it so much easier to face the future. I just want to hold her and tell her it's all going to be alright. Mummy's here.


water said...

Diagnosis is like a gigantic key that opens all sorts of doors, and whilst open doors don't necessarily solve problems, they certainly let in a lot of light.
Journey has Asperger's Syndrome and one of the characteristics of that is hypersensitivity. I'm happy to swap stories and share the experience if you ever need to talk.

jodi said...

There have been a few people slightly cynical about having to 'put a label' on Freya, but for me it's been such an enormous relief .. just to know it's not all in my head, to externalise it and then deal with it. I can feel to doors opening, and the light finally coming in. Thanks so much for your thoughts.